You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ tag.

“A Nightmare on Elm Street”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Okay, let me take a deep breath before we go down this road. Oh yeah, it’s that bad. Here we go; another classic remake that doesn’t work. The only person that’s going to be happy with the new A Nightmare on Elm Street movie, is Robert Englund, because it’s finally going to prove just how important he is to the role of Freddy Krueger. That’s not saying that Jackie Earle Haley did a bad job with the role, he just unfortunately was in a crappy movie with bad cat-man make-up. Also on a side note, I think Christian Bale should have trademarked his gruff-raspy Batman voice, because if he had he’d be rolling in the dough by now. Seriously, does every bad-ass character in a movie these days need a Ricola?

In the new A Nightmare on Elm Street, teenagers start dying in their sleep, and they slowly start to realize the same man is appearing in all their dreams, and is trying to kill them one by one. Now, I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, but I will be talking about a few of the plot points in the next few sentences, so you’ve been warned. *SPOILERS START* Let’s start with Freddy’s back story. He’s no longer a child killer, but rather a possibly unjustly accused pedophile. Sadly this is mostly true, but thanks to some last minute re-shoots, Krueger is now guilty of being a pedophile. Doesn’t that make you feel better? He’s guilty! Hooray! He touched their naughty bits, but never killed anyone. That’s right, Freddy Krueger never killed a kid until he started killing teenagers in their sleep. Really!? If he never killed any kids, then why would he want to start killing them now? Wouldn’t he be trying to have sex with them in their dreams instead? Do I really have to point this shit out? *SPOILER END* This movie really does suck! There are some nice moments, but they are few and far between. The writing is absolutely horrible. It’s full of I say this and you say that dialogue. And at no point do they even try to do anything interesting with the storyline. I think the filmmakers were trying to kill the audience, because I almost fell asleep two times while watching the movie, and I thought the whole idea was to stay awake. Although, death would have at least put an end to Michael Bay’s molestation of my childhood once again. First Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and now A Nightmare on Elm Street. Look, the reason the Friday the 13th and the Halloween movies work when they’re remade, is because the movies’ main characters are big masked killers that don’t talk, where as Freddy Krueger is a personality, and you can’t just replace that. Bottom line, skip this movie! Figured I’d just spell it out for you. Do yourself a favor and rent the originals. The later ones might be a little cheesy, but that’s also half the fun. There’s nothing fun about this new version, it’s just quiet simply a nightmare.

Rating:


Advertisements

“Trick ‘r Treat”
a review by Darby O’Gill

It’s Halloween night, a night full of tricks and treats. Well, mostly tricks. But, the real treat is finally getting Michael Dougherty’s Trick ‘r Treat released. I know it’s not the theatrical release we were all hoping for, but it is finally out on DVD. In the spirit of Creepshow, Trick ‘r Treat takes four tales from one Halloween night and intertwines them into one fantastic story. It’s like Robert Altman and Wes Craven had a baby, and named it Trick ‘r Treat. Take a high school principal moonlighting as serial killer, a young woman searching for the perfect date, a childish prank that ends with disastrous consequences, and an old man that learns the true meaning of trick-or –treat, and what you have is one hell of a ride. Trick ‘r Treat was made in 2007, and spent two years just trying to get into theatres. It was receiving rave reviews at all the horror festivals, but for some reason Warner Brothers just didn’t believe in it enough to put it in theatres. It’s sad really. Great movies like this have to fight to see the light of day, but pieces of shit like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, have no problem finding their way into theatres. You know, there was another little horror film that was made in 2007 that couldn’t seem to find distribution. It was a little movie called Paranormal Activity. Ever hear of it? Maybe this will finally make Hollywood wake up. Most likely not, but it would be nice if other little movies like these would finally be given the chance they deserve, and not have to fight for two years just to see the light of day. I know. I know. It’s never going to happen. But, let’s get back to subject at hand. Trick ‘r Treat is a must see. With an amazing story, some brilliant cinematography, and fantastic performances, Trick ‘r Treat is a guaranteed Halloween classic. Oh, I haven’t even mentioned little Sam, the trick-or-treater demon that oversees the night’s events. He is a greatly welcomed addition to the Freddy and Jason’s of the horror community. I really hope they make more of these. I can’t wait to see Trick ‘r Treat 2! I just hope next time it’ll be in theatres on Halloween night, and not just a straight to DVD blow-off. Warner Brothers is sitting on a goldmine. They could make a new Trick ‘r Treat movie every year like the Saw franchise, but I guess we’ll just have to wait for them to realize that on their own. Until then, we’ll just have to keep fighting the good fight.

Rating:
5 Little People


DVD Special Features:

Sadly, that’s it. One bonus feature, if you can call it that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cool to see the animation short that became this movie, but come on! This movie had an incredible journey for two years, and you’re not going to do a commentary track for the feature film?! How about some behind the scenes footage, or maybe some deleted scenes? Hell, I’d be happy with even a trailer at this point! My only guess is that Warner Brothers was really on the fence about putting it in theatres, but at the last minute pushed it to DVD, and wanted to get it out before Halloween. If that is the case, we’ll hopefully get a Special Edition DVD at some point, but until then it’ just sad.

DVD Special Features Rating:
1 Little People


“District 9”
a review by Dary O’Gill

First off, I want you to know that there are no spoilers in this review, so please read on worry free. District 9 is the story of a marooned alien spacecraft hovering over the city of Johannesburg in South Africa. The people of Earth welcome first contact in the beginning, but when nothing happens for the first three months, man steps in to do what he does best. Twenty years later, the Earth becomes an intergalactic melting pot, and the planet’s newest refugees are starting to outstay their welcome. The only thing the planet seems to still be interested in is the alien technology, mainly their weapons. No big surprise there.

New comer Writer/Director, Neill Blomkamp, masterfully tells a tale with social and political undertones, but manages to do so in a truly entertaining way, which never seems preachy. District 9 is based on Blomkamp’s 2005 short film “Alive in Joburg,” which reflects his views of growing up in Johannesburg. The movie is a beautiful mix of documentary filmmaking and that of a sci-fi thriller. And let me also just say, it was one of my favorite marketing campaigns in years. I love when movies use their marketing to make people say, “What is that poster for?” Most studios want you to know right away; but did you know anyone that wasn’t talking about the “Humans Only” campaign? The special effects were top notch, by doing things like using stock footage of riots in South Africa and adding aliens to the footage, District 9 gives itself an amazing sense of realism. Finally, a summer movie worthy of its namesake, and we only had to wait till mid August to get it. Let me tell you, this more than makes up for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. With a production budget of a mere thirty million, District 9 proves that it’s not the size of the budget, but the quality of the film making. In its opening weekend, District 9 quickly turned a profit by making a cool thirty-seven million in only three days. Are you listening Hollywood?! All you need is a concrete story and talented director to back it up. Thank God Peter Jackson got onboard with this project and saved it from the clutches of evil Hollywood executives. A friend of mine was saying this weekend, that when you see this movie, you’ll realize that you find yourself desperately hoping they don’t screw it up at the last minute. You’re actually pulling for the movie to stay true to itself and not go the way of every other movie this summer. District 9 is destined to be an instant classic! Humans may not be allowed in District 9, but lucky for us we are allowed in the theaters to see this monumental film.

Rating:

5 Little People



“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Honestly! Not one, but two of my favorite childhood memories are raped right before my eyes, and all in the same summer! Really!? REALLY!? Fuck you, Hasbro! I mean, what’s next? A He-Man movie? What’s that? Hang on a second. They did? When? Really, with Courtney Cox? Oh, come on! Dolph Lundgren played He-Man! Oh, fuck you too, Hollywood! What did I ever do to you!? Other than give you all my money and go see all of your craptasic movies. I can’t… I just can’t. I didn’t even want to see it, and yet here we are. Some part of me thought it might be fun to go see it just to laugh at it, like a bad B-movie, but you can’t even do that. It really is just bad news. I’m sorry; I can’t even put it into words. You would never believe me. How did they ever get Dennis Quaid to agree to be in this movie? Okay, enough of this let’s just get to it.

I don’t know when, but at some point Hollywood thought action sequences would be so much better if they just filmed them as close as the camera could get to the action. It’s crazy. They spend all this time and money setting up action sequences and then you can’t even see what’s happening. This movie will seriously hurt your brain if you try and think about it too hard, but here are some examples that I hope don’t hurt your head too much. The Joe’s, who are real American heroes, seem to not really care much about public safety. They’re killing every agent of Cobra they come across, and at no time try to minimize the amount of damage they are causing to the public. Now here’s the part that is really going to hurt your head. Cobra’s big bad master weapon is designed to destroy metal… That’s it. It doesn’t kill anyone, it just destroys metal. Not so mind blowing? Well how about if I told you that Cobra, not the Joe’s, use pulse pistols that are non-lethal weapons. Isn’t that the kind of weapon you would give the hero?

How about at the end of the movie…  Don’t worry, I’m not about to give anything away, not that any of you should ever want to see this movie. But, at the end of the film, the Joe’s are battling Cobra at their under water base in the Artic, and detonate the ice thousands of feet above the base to crash down and destroy it. Let me say that again. They blow up the ice above the underwater base to come crashing down. Even a 2 year old can tell you that ice floats. Actually, the ice was already floating over it to begin with, wasn’t it?

Now in a movie like this, the one thing you would think you could count on is top of the line special effects, because that’s all they ever really focus on.  But, the effects in this movie are so bad they look as if they were done on a Commodore 64. Okay look, I’ve got to stop. I’ve already wasted more than enough of my life on this movie. Let’s see if I can say at least one good thing… Sienna Miller looks amazing as the Baroness. However, I did keep finding myself thinking of Olivia Munn’s Baroness from G4’s Attack of the Show. Olivia would have at least tried to have had a Russian accent. Okay, so I can’t say anything good. Let’s just rate this turd. Once again there is no lower rating I can give this, but I would if I could. Believe it or not, this was even worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know! How is that even possible?!

Rating:

0.5 Little People



“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Well, it’s two years later, and Michael Bay has finally delivered the movie we all feared back in 2007.Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is easily the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time… And I’ve seen “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” so that’s saying something. Everything I was afraid would happen in the first movie, has come to fruition in the sequel, and some things I couldn’t have even imagined. Like what you ask? How about some Autobot, Song of the South, racist Jar Jar Binks robots?! How does that grab you?

SPOILER START
Or maybe a robot that is human?! Don’t worry. They explain how that works… Oh wait. No they don’t! God, I hate this fuckin’ movie!
SPOILER END

The saddest part of all this is that the things that worked in the last film have been ripped out and flushed down the toilet. Bumblebee is still talking with sound bites (that shit is so annoying). And any chemistry between him and Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is long gone. Mom and Dad are back and funny for about a minute. They unfortunately become the clichés you thought they were going to be in the first film. Even Megan Fox’s ass can’t save this movie, and not for a lack of slow-mo trying. I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time writing this. My only hope is that, if I can stop even one of you from going to see this movie, by writing this, it will have been worth my time. My eyes were just raped by Michael Bay for three hours. The worst part is I paid him to do it. The icing on the cake was getting tea bagged by Devastator. They should have called it, “Transformers: More Than Rapes The Eyes.” My God, I’m going to make DreamWorks and Paramount Pictures pay for my therapy. If I wasn’t in such a rush to get to an emergency eye rinse station, I may have stuck around for the end of the credits to see if Michael Bay popped up to say, “Just teasing.*” What a douche bag! Now, if you all don’t mind, I’m going to see “The Hangover” again and try to forget that this ever happened.

*see “Transformers” (2007) DVD review

Rating:

0.5 Little People