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“I Spit on Your Grave”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Do you like rape? What am I saying? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? No, really. You’re going to have to be really okay with rape scenes if you’re even going to thinking about seeing this movie. I Spit on Your Grave is a remake of the 1978 grindhouse exploitation film Day of the Woman, which was later re-titled and released as I Spit on Your Grave in 1980. The movie was very much one of those movies you hear about in high school, and know you shouldn’t see it, so of course you’ll do anything to get your hands on a copy. Much like those Faces of Death videos. I of course watched the original back in high school, but can’t remember anything about it, other than the fact that it, like everything else, did not live up to the hype. So, when Shady and I went to the advanced screening of the current re-interpretation of I Spit on Your Grave a few months back, neither of us had any idea what we were walking into. We’re talking about almost forty minutes, if not more, of hardcore rape. And, I mean rape. Which is then followed by graphically violent revenge torture. Shady and I both have a pretty high tolerance for all things wrong, and even we were having a hard time sitting through this movie. I’m not kidding, people were leaving the theatre in waves throughout the screening, and by the end of the movie the full theatre was easily half empty. You know it’s bad when you’re filling out the questionnaire at the end of the movie, and when you get to the “What would make this movie better?” question, you actually find yourself writing “less rape.” With that said, Sarah Butler, the actress who plays the young victim, is outstanding! The things that she had to do for this movie are unbelievable, and the fact that she not only did them, but also was able to give a performance that would make even Meryl Streep envious, is simply amazing! Butler plays Jennifer, a young female novelist who has rented a reclusive cabin out in the middle of nowhere to get some writing done, and quickly becomes the fascination of four local men. As you can probably guess at this point, they brutally and graphically rape her. The tension and discomfort of the first half of this movie is sure to bother everyone, and I mean everyone! I don’t care how much you say nothing bothers you. If you can watch this movie without getting upset or truly uncomfortable, you’re either a sick freak or a soulless bastard. How do I know this? Because I was sitting with someone who would normally fit that description, and even he was both bothered and uncomfortable. The revenge torture in the second half is equally graphic and unsettling. But, it does seem to somehow manage to even out the scales somewhat with Jennifer getting her revenge. But with all of that said, I still think that some of the movie was really well done, for what it was. It’s really hard to say you enjoyed a movie about really graphic rape, and at times one step away from an exploitation snuff film, but there are a few things worth seeing in this remake of I Spit on Your Grave. Just be ready. I mean really, really, really ready.

Rating:


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“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Honestly! Not one, but two of my favorite childhood memories are raped right before my eyes, and all in the same summer! Really!? REALLY!? Fuck you, Hasbro! I mean, what’s next? A He-Man movie? What’s that? Hang on a second. They did? When? Really, with Courtney Cox? Oh, come on! Dolph Lundgren played He-Man! Oh, fuck you too, Hollywood! What did I ever do to you!? Other than give you all my money and go see all of your craptasic movies. I can’t… I just can’t. I didn’t even want to see it, and yet here we are. Some part of me thought it might be fun to go see it just to laugh at it, like a bad B-movie, but you can’t even do that. It really is just bad news. I’m sorry; I can’t even put it into words. You would never believe me. How did they ever get Dennis Quaid to agree to be in this movie? Okay, enough of this let’s just get to it.

I don’t know when, but at some point Hollywood thought action sequences would be so much better if they just filmed them as close as the camera could get to the action. It’s crazy. They spend all this time and money setting up action sequences and then you can’t even see what’s happening. This movie will seriously hurt your brain if you try and think about it too hard, but here are some examples that I hope don’t hurt your head too much. The Joe’s, who are real American heroes, seem to not really care much about public safety. They’re killing every agent of Cobra they come across, and at no time try to minimize the amount of damage they are causing to the public. Now here’s the part that is really going to hurt your head. Cobra’s big bad master weapon is designed to destroy metal… That’s it. It doesn’t kill anyone, it just destroys metal. Not so mind blowing? Well how about if I told you that Cobra, not the Joe’s, use pulse pistols that are non-lethal weapons. Isn’t that the kind of weapon you would give the hero?

How about at the end of the movie…  Don’t worry, I’m not about to give anything away, not that any of you should ever want to see this movie. But, at the end of the film, the Joe’s are battling Cobra at their under water base in the Artic, and detonate the ice thousands of feet above the base to crash down and destroy it. Let me say that again. They blow up the ice above the underwater base to come crashing down. Even a 2 year old can tell you that ice floats. Actually, the ice was already floating over it to begin with, wasn’t it?

Now in a movie like this, the one thing you would think you could count on is top of the line special effects, because that’s all they ever really focus on.  But, the effects in this movie are so bad they look as if they were done on a Commodore 64. Okay look, I’ve got to stop. I’ve already wasted more than enough of my life on this movie. Let’s see if I can say at least one good thing… Sienna Miller looks amazing as the Baroness. However, I did keep finding myself thinking of Olivia Munn’s Baroness from G4’s Attack of the Show. Olivia would have at least tried to have had a Russian accent. Okay, so I can’t say anything good. Let’s just rate this turd. Once again there is no lower rating I can give this, but I would if I could. Believe it or not, this was even worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know! How is that even possible?!

Rating:

0.5 Little People



“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Well, it’s two years later, and Michael Bay has finally delivered the movie we all feared back in 2007.Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is easily the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time… And I’ve seen “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” so that’s saying something. Everything I was afraid would happen in the first movie, has come to fruition in the sequel, and some things I couldn’t have even imagined. Like what you ask? How about some Autobot, Song of the South, racist Jar Jar Binks robots?! How does that grab you?

SPOILER START
Or maybe a robot that is human?! Don’t worry. They explain how that works… Oh wait. No they don’t! God, I hate this fuckin’ movie!
SPOILER END

The saddest part of all this is that the things that worked in the last film have been ripped out and flushed down the toilet. Bumblebee is still talking with sound bites (that shit is so annoying). And any chemistry between him and Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is long gone. Mom and Dad are back and funny for about a minute. They unfortunately become the clichés you thought they were going to be in the first film. Even Megan Fox’s ass can’t save this movie, and not for a lack of slow-mo trying. I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time writing this. My only hope is that, if I can stop even one of you from going to see this movie, by writing this, it will have been worth my time. My eyes were just raped by Michael Bay for three hours. The worst part is I paid him to do it. The icing on the cake was getting tea bagged by Devastator. They should have called it, “Transformers: More Than Rapes The Eyes.” My God, I’m going to make DreamWorks and Paramount Pictures pay for my therapy. If I wasn’t in such a rush to get to an emergency eye rinse station, I may have stuck around for the end of the credits to see if Michael Bay popped up to say, “Just teasing.*” What a douche bag! Now, if you all don’t mind, I’m going to see “The Hangover” again and try to forget that this ever happened.

*see “Transformers” (2007) DVD review

Rating:

0.5 Little People