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To help celebrate Candyland’s 60th Anniversary, Hasbro transformed San Francisco’s famous twisted Lombard Street into a life-sized rendition of the beloved board game. I can’t wait to see what they do for Hungry Hungry Hippos.

 

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“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Honestly! Not one, but two of my favorite childhood memories are raped right before my eyes, and all in the same summer! Really!? REALLY!? Fuck you, Hasbro! I mean, what’s next? A He-Man movie? What’s that? Hang on a second. They did? When? Really, with Courtney Cox? Oh, come on! Dolph Lundgren played He-Man! Oh, fuck you too, Hollywood! What did I ever do to you!? Other than give you all my money and go see all of your craptasic movies. I can’t… I just can’t. I didn’t even want to see it, and yet here we are. Some part of me thought it might be fun to go see it just to laugh at it, like a bad B-movie, but you can’t even do that. It really is just bad news. I’m sorry; I can’t even put it into words. You would never believe me. How did they ever get Dennis Quaid to agree to be in this movie? Okay, enough of this let’s just get to it.

I don’t know when, but at some point Hollywood thought action sequences would be so much better if they just filmed them as close as the camera could get to the action. It’s crazy. They spend all this time and money setting up action sequences and then you can’t even see what’s happening. This movie will seriously hurt your brain if you try and think about it too hard, but here are some examples that I hope don’t hurt your head too much. The Joe’s, who are real American heroes, seem to not really care much about public safety. They’re killing every agent of Cobra they come across, and at no time try to minimize the amount of damage they are causing to the public. Now here’s the part that is really going to hurt your head. Cobra’s big bad master weapon is designed to destroy metal… That’s it. It doesn’t kill anyone, it just destroys metal. Not so mind blowing? Well how about if I told you that Cobra, not the Joe’s, use pulse pistols that are non-lethal weapons. Isn’t that the kind of weapon you would give the hero?

How about at the end of the movie…  Don’t worry, I’m not about to give anything away, not that any of you should ever want to see this movie. But, at the end of the film, the Joe’s are battling Cobra at their under water base in the Artic, and detonate the ice thousands of feet above the base to crash down and destroy it. Let me say that again. They blow up the ice above the underwater base to come crashing down. Even a 2 year old can tell you that ice floats. Actually, the ice was already floating over it to begin with, wasn’t it?

Now in a movie like this, the one thing you would think you could count on is top of the line special effects, because that’s all they ever really focus on.  But, the effects in this movie are so bad they look as if they were done on a Commodore 64. Okay look, I’ve got to stop. I’ve already wasted more than enough of my life on this movie. Let’s see if I can say at least one good thing… Sienna Miller looks amazing as the Baroness. However, I did keep finding myself thinking of Olivia Munn’s Baroness from G4’s Attack of the Show. Olivia would have at least tried to have had a Russian accent. Okay, so I can’t say anything good. Let’s just rate this turd. Once again there is no lower rating I can give this, but I would if I could. Believe it or not, this was even worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know! How is that even possible?!

Rating:

0.5 Little People



“The Transformers: Season 1”
a review by Darby O’Gill

It’s the show that started it all. And if you’re in your 30’s, chances are good you grew up with Optimus Prime and Megatron bringing the battle of Cybertron to Earth.The toys were the most groundbreaking things of their time, and the cartoon series just brought things to the next level. I’m going to be upfront with you guys, I’m more than bias when it comes to “The Transformers.” This stuff was a BIG part of my childhood. Now, just like most childhood memories, revisiting them could always be rather dangerous. I’ll never forget the first time I watched “Davey & Goliath” in my adult years… Wow! But I am glad to say for the most part these cartoons do hold up. They may not be as flashy as the animated cartoons of today, but if you can get past that, they really do give you a taste of your childhood. It’s amazing to realize just how much “The Transformers” was largely responsible for my deep seeded imagination and love of story telling. The new 25th Anniversary transfer of the first 16 episodes is truly outstanding. It may not be Blu-Ray, but it still looks good on an HDtv. I think one of the biggest surprises for me, from watching Season 1 again, is just how early the Dinobots were introduced in the series. For some reason I seem to remember the Dinobots being added to the show later, but the truth is they came into play in episode eight. How about that? The bottom line is, it’s a must have if you ever loved this cartoon. I don’t know about you, but I’m planning on sitting my kids down in front of “The Transformers” and not “SpongeBob SquarePants.” Now let’s see what we can do about getting “M.A.S.K.” on DVD.

My Bias Rating:

5 Little People

 

DVD Special Features:

  • Triple Changer: From Toy to Comic to Screen – The Origins of “The Transformers”
  • Printable “Transport to Oblivion” Script (DVD ROM)
  • A Rare PSA
  • Archival Hasbro Toy Commercials

There could stand to be some more special features here. The featurette about the making of the toys and cartoons is great, but something a little more would be great on here. It’s fun to see the old toy commercials, but for rights reasons they have to blur out the kids’ faces.  And I thought they were scary before.