“A Nightmare on Elm Street”
a review by Darby O’Gill

Okay, let me take a deep breath before we go down this road. Oh yeah, it’s that bad. Here we go; another classic remake that doesn’t work. The only person that’s going to be happy with the new A Nightmare on Elm Street movie, is Robert Englund, because it’s finally going to prove just how important he is to the role of Freddy Krueger. That’s not saying that Jackie Earle Haley did a bad job with the role, he just unfortunately was in a crappy movie with bad cat-man make-up. Also on a side note, I think Christian Bale should have trademarked his gruff-raspy Batman voice, because if he had he’d be rolling in the dough by now. Seriously, does every bad-ass character in a movie these days need a Ricola?

In the new A Nightmare on Elm Street, teenagers start dying in their sleep, and they slowly start to realize the same man is appearing in all their dreams, and is trying to kill them one by one. Now, I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, but I will be talking about a few of the plot points in the next few sentences, so you’ve been warned. *SPOILERS START* Let’s start with Freddy’s back story. He’s no longer a child killer, but rather a possibly unjustly accused pedophile. Sadly this is mostly true, but thanks to some last minute re-shoots, Krueger is now guilty of being a pedophile. Doesn’t that make you feel better? He’s guilty! Hooray! He touched their naughty bits, but never killed anyone. That’s right, Freddy Krueger never killed a kid until he started killing teenagers in their sleep. Really!? If he never killed any kids, then why would he want to start killing them now? Wouldn’t he be trying to have sex with them in their dreams instead? Do I really have to point this shit out? *SPOILER END* This movie really does suck! There are some nice moments, but they are few and far between. The writing is absolutely horrible. It’s full of I say this and you say that dialogue. And at no point do they even try to do anything interesting with the storyline. I think the filmmakers were trying to kill the audience, because I almost fell asleep two times while watching the movie, and I thought the whole idea was to stay awake. Although, death would have at least put an end to Michael Bay’s molestation of my childhood once again. First Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and now A Nightmare on Elm Street. Look, the reason the Friday the 13th and the Halloween movies work when they’re remade, is because the movies’ main characters are big masked killers that don’t talk, where as Freddy Krueger is a personality, and you can’t just replace that. Bottom line, skip this movie! Figured I’d just spell it out for you. Do yourself a favor and rent the originals. The later ones might be a little cheesy, but that’s also half the fun. There’s nothing fun about this new version, it’s just quiet simply a nightmare.

Rating:


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