“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”
a review by Darby O’Gill
Honestly! Not one, but two of my favorite childhood memories are raped right before my eyes, and all in the same summer! Really!? REALLY!? Fuck you, Hasbro! I mean, what’s next? A He-Man movie? What’s that? Hang on a second. They did? When? Really, with Courtney Cox? Oh, come on! Dolph Lundgren played He-Man! Oh, fuck you too, Hollywood! What did I ever do to you!? Other than give you all my money and go see all of your craptasic movies. 
I can’t… I just can’t. I didn’t even want to see it, and yet here we are. Some part of me thought it might be fun to go see it just to laugh at it, like a bad B-movie, but you can’t even do that. It really is just bad news. I’m sorry; I can’t even put it into words. You would never believe me. How did they ever get Dennis Quaid to agree to be in this movie? Okay, enough of this let’s just get to it.
I don’t know when, but at some point Hollywood thought action sequences would be so much better if they just filmed them as close as the camera could get to the action. It’s crazy. They spend all this time and money setting up action sequences and then you can’t even see what’s happening. This movie will seriously hurt your brain if you try and think about it too hard, but here are some examples that I hope don’t hurt your head too much. The Joe’s, who are real American heroes, seem to not really care much about public safety. They’re killing every agent of Cobra they come across, and at no time try to minimize the amount of damage they are causing to the public. Now here’s the part that is really going to hurt your head. Cobra’s big bad master weapon is designed to destroy metal… That’s it. It doesn’t kill anyone, it just destroys metal. Not so mind blowing? Well how about if I told you that Cobra, not the Joe’s, use pulse pistols that are non-lethal weapons. Isn’t that the kind of weapon you would give the hero?
How about at the end of the movie… Don’t worry, I’m not about to give anything away, not that any of you should ever want to see this movie. But, at the end of the film, the Joe’s are battling Cobra at their under water base in the Artic, and detonate the ice thousands of feet above the base to crash down and destroy it. Let me say that again. They blow up the ice above the underwater base to come crashing down. Even a 2 year old can tell you that ice floats. Actually, the ice was already floating over it to begin with, wasn’t it?
Now in a movie like this, the one thing you would think you could count on is top of the line special effects, because that’s all they ever really focus on. But, the effects in this movie are so bad they look as if they were done on a Commodore 64. Okay look, I’ve got to stop. I’ve already wasted more than enough of my life on this movie. Let’s see if I can say at least one good thing… Sienna Miller looks amazing as the Baroness. However, I did keep finding myself thinking of Olivia Munn’s Baroness from G4’s Attack of the Show. Olivia would have at least tried to have had a Russian accent. Okay, so I can’t say anything good. Let’s just rate this turd. Once again there is no lower rating I can give this, but I would if I could. Believe it or not, this was even worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I know! How is that even possible?!
Rating:
9 comments
Comments feed for this article
August 7, 2009 at 2:49 pm
jshady
Wow. I’m so shocked that this sucked a fat fucking dick.
In related news: I was also shocked to learn that the sun is hot, that shit stinks, and that white people can’t dance.
August 7, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Darby O'Gill
I think you misunderstood my review. This was hands down, the greatest movie I… I can’t even lie, in the hopes of one day tricking you into seeing it.
You are sooooo lucky your Mom came into town. You really should thank her. Because you know, you would have ended up going with me last night.
August 7, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Doug
SPOILER ALERT: In the sequel, Cobra will exact revenge by destroying the roof of GI Joe’s base, causing everything inside to float off into the sky.
August 7, 2009 at 10:31 pm
Darby O'Gill
That’s hilarious Doug! Sad, but hilarious.
August 8, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Ralph-
well, i guess i wont see a movie this weekend. Maybe i will just watch Commando instead!
August 8, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Darby O'Gill
That would be a safe bet.
August 8, 2009 at 10:22 pm
kathy
Hahah. Love the review.
August 14, 2009 at 11:45 am
Frank Cvetkovic
Please just tell me that they ended the movie with a “Know You Know” PSA.
I want to see, after the credits, two kids in the backyard playing with matches and then Duke steps in out of nowhere and tells them that what they’re doing is unsafe.
That’s all I want.
August 14, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Darby O'Gill
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no. They say it in the movie, along with “Yo Joe!,” and “He’s a real American Hero,” but they don’t even try to work it into the story creatively. It’s just thrown in like someone said, “Oh yeah, we should say some of that stuff at some point.”
I, much like you, thought that surely they would do a PSA at the end of the credits, but no, after sitting through the whole credits it just ends, kind of like a final, “Fuck you” at the end of the movie. Save your money Frank. The only PSA you’re going to get, is me telling you not to go see it.