“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”
a review by Darby O’Gill
Well, it’s two years later, and Michael Bay has finally delivered the movie we all feared back in 2007.
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is easily the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time… And I’ve seen “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” so that’s saying something. Everything I was afraid would happen in the first movie, has come to fruition in the sequel, and some things I couldn’t have even imagined. Like what you ask? How about some Autobot, Song of the South, racist Jar Jar Binks robots?! How does that grab you?
SPOILER START
Or maybe a robot that is human?! Don’t worry. They explain how that works… Oh wait. No they don’t! God, I hate this fuckin’ movie!
SPOILER END
The saddest part of all this is that the things that worked in the last film have been ripped out and flushed down the toilet. Bumblebee is still talking with sound bites (that shit is so annoying). And any chemistry between him and Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is long gone. Mom and Dad are back and funny for about a minute.
They unfortunately become the clichés you thought they were going to be in the first film. Even Megan Fox’s ass can’t save this movie, and not for a lack of slow-mo trying. I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time writing this. My only hope is that, if I can stop even one of you from going to see this movie, by writing this, it will have been worth my time. My eyes were just raped by Michael Bay for three hours. The worst part is I paid him to do it. The icing on the cake was getting tea bagged by Devastator. They should have called it, “Transformers: More Than Rapes The Eyes.” My God, I’m going to make DreamWorks and Paramount Pictures pay for my therapy. If I wasn’t in such a rush to get to an emergency eye rinse station, I may have stuck around for the end of the credits to see if Michael Bay popped up to say, “Just teasing.*” What a douche bag! Now, if you all don’t mind, I’m going to see “The Hangover” again and try to forget that this ever happened.
*see “Transformers” (2007) DVD review
Rating:
8 comments
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June 25, 2009 at 1:59 pm
My good friend Darby O’Gill… « THE BLARG
[...] Check out his blog here, and that specific post here. [...]
June 25, 2009 at 1:59 pm
jshady
A half of a Little Person is being too generous.
June 25, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Darby O'Gill
I know, but I never thought I would need something lower. Boy, was I wrong. I might have to bring back the negative chickenheads.
June 25, 2009 at 5:48 pm
dwellephant
Part of me thinks you’re being a little too nice to this movie.
June 25, 2009 at 8:06 pm
jeremyrscott
I sat next to a little kid who loved this movie, a kid my age who just got super excited every time a new robot came on; and the movie got a standing ovation (I shit you not). Where were all the clever jokes and parodies of Michael Bay’s other crappy movies from the first movie. They were replaced with animal and robot humping, gang banging gansta bots and said Devastator’s wrecking balls. And the worst part about those two G Bots is that some kid somewhere probably not only enjoyed them, but could relate to them. That is just sad. And to think, I STILL haven’t seen UP, but I went to this shit fest. WOOPPEE!
June 26, 2009 at 9:33 am
decker
So you’re saying don’t see this because you’ll end up like Elizabeth Shue in Leaving Las Vegas, crying and bleeding from the ass in a scalding shower?
Maybe you could use an Optimus Prime icon as a benchmark in shittiness. Or a picture of Bay.
Jocco, what the hell? Go, nay, RUN to cleanse your shit filled psyche of all that is Michael Bay’s Tranformers 2 with the beauty that is UP.
June 28, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Josh Peters
Decker brings up a good point. Maybe you could just have a nonsensical collection of worthless director heads for a bad scale. Like four Bays, a Schumacher and two and a half Ratners.
I too have yet to see UP! I won’t see Transformers 2, though. After 1, I know better. The first one ate a bowl of dick, so who can be that surprised about this one. I’ve never EVER liked Shia LeBlah. Megan Fox seems to be an A1 bitch. And Michael Bay has never and will never make something I say, “now that is worth seeing twice and buying on DVD.”
I’m still surprised everyone gave a pass to the first one.
I just hope GI Joe is good.
Wait, I know that’ll suck, too.
June 29, 2009 at 10:04 am
decker
I’m a bit of a Shia fan due to Even Stevens, Holes and Disturbia. Bay’s flicks have been nausiating at best. I really try to just enjoy them as an explosion heavy popcorn flick, but end up wanting to scream at the screen. Bay has hundreds of millions and the military toys at his disposal and he can’t even string a competent story together. Ever.
GI Joe will likely and sadly be absolute shit. I hope it isn’t. I’m not speaking as a purist but the coolest thing about GI Joes is that the Joes are complete total bad ass mother fuckers, they don’t need Halo super suits. On the other hand I really don’t want to see the Village People with guns. We’ll see, Stephen Sommers has yet to make a good movie, maybe he’ll break the streak.